Sometimes I wish I could do surgery and cut certain people out of my life or my family…or atleast cut myself out. I think I’ve tried to do that a lot over the course of my life…you know, cut myself out of the proverbial picture that is my family, but to no avail.
This is the winter of my discontent I guess.
So I guess it’s just my cross to bear. I know that there are those who don’t have a family and I feel for them, but I have to wonder which is worse, not having a family or having one that makes you miserable?
I spend a lot of time thinking about stuff. I think I spend more time thinking than actually doing. Which, I know, isn’t good. I used to spend more time doing than thinking and I was happier but a lot less successful. Now that I think more I’m a little more sad, a lot more lonely, and a little more successful.
I just don’t know which one is better.
I mean, success is great, but happiness is better. I was trying to remember the last time that I was truly happy. Especially because you know how they say that happiness is a choice. It’s been a few years since I was truly happy. When I was in New York, I was on the cusp of true happiness. Then again, I wasn’t successful. I was unemployed but I was focused on fulfilling my dreams. I didn’t have time to work. I was too busy networking and working on my goals and dreams.
Now that I’m more focused on work than on actually pursuing my dreams, I mean, I do, but the attempt is half-hearted at best, I find myself fighting this deep sadness. Not necessarily depression, but as if I know that what I’m doing is NOT going to make me happy, it’s responsible, but dear God, I’ve spent my life being responsible. I helped my mother raise my younger siblings, foregoing any type of childhood, because of it. I went through hell, but was responsible enough to not let it affect me too much.
I had my moments of rebellion, and yes it was a little harder than others, but that wasn’t me doing something to make me happy, that was me escaping. This is me pursuing happiness. My own happiness. I want to make MYSELF proud, make MYSELF happy; not my parents, not my town, not my family, not my church…ME.
It’s quite selfish, I know.
But I have to wonder if that’s the whole point to life. It’s what our forefathers fought for, it’s what my ancestors fought for, it’s what homosexuals fight for. The right to be happy in my way. To live and love as I see fit. Without burden of parental, societal, familial, or national expectations.
Again, I’m selfish, I know.
I have dreams of owning my own channel/cable network, of owning my own business conglomerate, owning a nightclub chain, running a group home for teens, running a charity, acting in movies and on “Criminal Minds” and a sitcom, running a couple of seminars and a carnival/fundraiser for cancer, having a few platinum albums, painting, drawing, designing a popular clothing line or two, having a few kids, and writing a few dozen bestselling novels, screenplays, scripts, movies, tv shows, plays, songs.
And if all I’d done was dream about them, I think I’d be able to let it go a whole lot easier, but the fact that I’ve got everything worked out? That I’ve talked with people, got a plan, got a proposal. The fact that everything’s been written out? It makes it a whole lot harder to let it go, to live without it being a reality. So it makes me sad. I want to know that it’s a reality. My dream is to change the world. To heal it, to save it, to make it better. To help the people around me. To know that I made a difference. I want to be a history maker and a world changer. That’s my dream. That’s what I want. You’d think it be a little easier.
You’d be wrong of course.
Maybe that’s why I get so sad. Because I know what I have. What I possess. I know what I dream about and what I could do, but I’m unable to do it. It’s sad, it’s depressing and I think that’s why I feel so out of sorts right now. I need to find the balance I think.
“Most of life is about perception. How you react, how you think, how you love, how you speak, how you move, how you live…it’s all about perception. How you perceive those around you, their actions towards you and others, your perception of yourself, these are things that shape and mold your life. It’s a hard lesson to learn and even harder to change. But change is a requirement for growth.”—Veronica Victorian